Suicidal Tendencies

I had previously hit out at you because you killed yourself. I now apologize. Suicide mocks god, but god had left this place a long time ago.

I would like to think there’s two kinds of suicide, long-term planned out ones and rash ones.
I don’t understand long-term planning but I do get the rash suicides.
Helplessness and hopelessness. The feeling that nothing will ever work out for you.

You in the company of your ex, someone you are trying to get over but still hadn’t even come close to. An ex you see and still feel like protecting and loving, maybe it’s that familiar voice or face or smile. The same ex that you watch slowly lose all connection and concern for you. Then you watch her getting hit on by a guy beside her, when you are two feet away from her.
That lump in your throat? Man that’s baby stuff, this is your heart plunging 30 floors. You can’t breathe, you are hysterical, your heart and brain in chaos. It’s like you are under attack from all angles. You can’t fight it, you are bound to do something stupid.
You talk to god, you demand help, you look up to the heavens, you ask why.

I reached the jumping point, drunk. I was never gonna do it cause all I could think of was the dog who needed me and the woman who raised me. I just needed help not doing something else that was reckless, and that’s when I saw them.
A group of them. They wore torn jeans and stained t-shirts. They each carried a plastic bag full of brown glue which they kept sniffing from. They were obviously not gonna think rationally.

I didn’t wanna do it cause of her. I wanted to end it cause of me. Too many mistakes, too many times, never protecting myself. Not enough answers, not enough will anymore.

Remember Million Dollar Baby?, “Always protect yourself”.

So after sometime of observing them, which I do cause I’m curious, in the drunken state I was in, I leave, cause I knew they notice me in a very vulnerable state.

People told me “you hit rock bottom and you rebuild yourself to a point you had never surpassed before.” I hope this is it for me. I have never reached this point in my life before and I will never forget last night, as brief as it was. And I had to meet you to ensure I hit rock bottom, it connects the dots.

I get rash suicide. I finally get it. And I think I get why people let themselves feel so low, lower than low. I also get why they push away people that could lead them to great heights in life. It’s a complex reason, not too complex compared to the complexity of a human heart and mind.

I’m sorry I hit out at you. I know now, why you took your life. You deserved a restart. Wish u had someone to confide in.


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