Blame it on my ADHD, baby.

I’m constantly gnawing my way through my restlessness. It’s getting worse. Flights are getting beyond bad.

Flights are understandably scary. The restlessness however comes from the fact that I am suspended high up in the air, locked in this flying machine, I can’t escape even if I wanted to, there was no way out, until this machine decides to decent.

I understand my own anxiety. The last flight I was in, I felt I was going to explode in mid air. I was contemplating telling the stewardess that I couldn’t be on the plane anymore and that I need to get out. I knew that if I mentioned it, repercussions could be detrimental to other passengers as well. I considered it, and I decided to bury my face in my hands and scream silently.

I really wanted out.

I’m guessing flights are gonna continue being bad unless I rationalize my way out of it. I never suffered this way with flights before, it just seems to be getting worse everyday.

My Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). It’s a mouthful.

Attention, ain’t I a seeker. I can’t help it. I want attention, I seek it, I work towards it and when I finally get it, I shy away from it, cause it’s something I never really wanted in the first place.

Deficit, well give me no attention and I explode like a ball of flame. It’s been engrained in me, what can I do.

Hyperactivity, oh lord yes. You lay beside me asleep, and I feel like my world is ending. The walls are crashing down on me, the celling is closing in, my world is getting smaller and soon will press on my face and squish my soul out. I can’t sleep, cause even then, I somehow want attention, lord what is wrong with me.
My fingers, can never be left alone, my pen is caught somewhere in between them, or it’s twisting something, or it’s being being bitten. I’m fidgeting, all the time.

Not many people understand this. They don’t take the time to understand a persons mind, and how it processes things differently.

Although, I’ll give anything to be able to calm down. I’ll give anything to be able to not frantically search for something to fidget with.

Oh god bless my heart rate. It is frantic just like everything else. I wanna slow it down, I wanna give it a long deserved break, but I can’t. Well I don’t know how to, it’s used to this “on the edge” feeling for so long.

I do not, however, know how long my heart would last. The insanity needs to stop.

Now.

MM6.7.14

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