She’s a Woman to Me

It’s the way she smells,

like fresh flowers, like soapy bubbles on a green garden,

like sweet strawberries.

It’s her eyes,

how they sparkle, how they allow me access to everything else,

how they me a story.

It’s the hair,

how it covers my face, and smells like a bouquet,

how I long to pull it,

hard enough that her neck bends.

It’s how she’s a woman to me,

 

She’s soft,

she whispers in my ear,

she licks my neck,

she giggles,

It is how she holds my hand, like she is never going to see me again,

It is how she wants me.

 

She wants me, more than anything else,

she buries me in significance,

so deep I can’t find my way out,

I don’t want to find my way out.

It is how I feel wanted by her,

it is how she’s a woman with me,

gentle,

attentive.

 

This is the idea of her,

She’s way more,

She’s scarily way more,

She’s fading.

 

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Where did u grow up?

Wish we grew up on the same advice,

Wish I was there when u still had a heart,

Wish I was in time,

Wish I was there and our time was right.

Make that bed with him, 

Ignore my scent on you,

You made me lose my self control,

Ignore the marks I made.

You made me turn to absurdity,

I looked for darkness,

I tested extremity,

I buzzed through rejection.

I’d still share some with you,

I’ll always share some with you.

We could watch the stars now,

We could be closer than ever,

Look at all those people dance,

Leave it all to chance.

I’ll watch you marry him,

I’ll sing for you,

Someone else will have your babies,

But I’ll have those memories.

And in those memories,

We danced, 

You looked at me,

You smiled,

Bodies tangled,

Hearts mangled.

Don’t drown

Papa don’t drown.
We don’t want you to,
Me and momma, we don’t hate you,
You left us,
To fend for ourselves,
I was that little boy,
Whose eyes twinkled when you were around,
But that didn’t last,
You went out of town,
Yet I don’t wanna see you drown,
I wanna pick you up.

Papa don’t drown.
That dream haunts me,
We don’t hate you,
How was I going to be a man,
If the man I always wanted to know,
Was just a ghost?
Papa don’t drown.
You left us,
We loved you,
I’m still trying to be your son,
I’m still trying to make you proud,
Buy you are drowning,
And I’m helpless,
I can’t save you anymore,

Papa don’t drown.
Resurface.

Catchin Feelings

Stop staring,
I’m not caving,
I mean I like that thing you do,
When I’m that thing you blew
I mean I like you too,
I mean I like you to.

Don’t get it twisted,
This isn’t fated,
This be us getting high,
Headin for the sky.

I’m that thing you blew,
Don’t stick like glue,
Don’t hope for more,
This is all for show.

I mean can’t you tell?
Don’t go catching hope,
Though I’m dope,
You ain’t lockin no one down,

In this god forsaken town.
Don’t go catchin glimpses,
Of my inches,
You ain’t meeting the crew,
Just cause I was something you blew.

When I was inconvenient 

As I lay dazed.

Hospitals beds look comfortable, but rarely are.

Tubes run through my veins, stiffening it, the other hand full of puncture wounds.

They steal my blood, like thieves, but I don’t stop them.

They check my pulse then they drown me in some liquid antibiotics.

Why is it so strong? I’m nauseous, my phone goes off, it turns me off, I can’t even look at it, I don’t wanna puke.

I can’t eat the plastic hospital food, I can’t eat. It tastes like death. I’m weakening. I don’t wanna puke.

I eat a little, progress, I don’t wanna puke. It would be waste. 

My phone rings, I answer, I wanna puke, I turn it off, I control it, I distract myself, I try not to puke.

I puke. 

I can’t do anything, I can’t move, I don’t wanna puke again.

I’m alone. I miss you. 

“It’s inconvenient to see you everyday” she rips through my heart.

Why do they let you down when ur at your weakest.

I hallucinate, must be the drugs again.

My phone goes off, maybe it’s her, I wish I could gather enough strength to call her. I don’t wanna puke.

I’m in some Soprano dream sequence, finally I get those dream sequences. The drugs make you someone else. They take you places, colourful places.

I miss you.

I’m an inconvenience.

I miss you, I could do with a pick me up, I could do with you holding my hand, reminding me this is temporary, everyone falls, everyone falls, then they get back up.

I wish I had you there.

I was an inconvenience.

As I lay in bed, drugs keeping me prisoner, I was just an inconvenience.

The boy’s breeze

6 years. Time passes too fast these days. I’ve missed you Daniel, and coming back to Kuantan, and passing by familiar scenes and talking to familiar people, reminds me more about you, and all you had left behind.

We washed your stone. Kakak, your mom, and me, we wiped and washed your name, book and your two angels. We placed roses at your feet. We shared silence that spoke volumes.

Tonight I past Beserah. It’s exactly like it was when we were kids, nothing much has changed. It reminded me of car rides that were unplanned and the torturous times I insisted we take morning rides to the beach when all you guys wanted to do was sleep in.

I remember the wind, the sea wind. It was usually followed by us jumping in to battle Kuantan waves. I miss it. The spontaneity.

Today it as extra breezy at Berserah. I know that was you. Maybe you were happy we were there for you, or maybe you just remembered how much the sea, sand and wind meant to me.

It was the kind of wind that erased memories of the recent heatwave, it was the kind that made you wanna sit on the sand, sing songs and star gaze. The kind of night fantasies used to be made of, where the future seemed so promising. I didn’t want the night to end.

6 years is too long but it instead feels like 6 weeks. Life goes on, remember, and we poured out liquor for you, and we mourned you, I guessed you wondered “how long will they mourn me” and you got your answer, this doesn’t end.

I want to believe in what they say, in what they promise and how they say we will all be reunited. I want to believe, let’s just say tonight’s breeze, went a long way.

  

Hurtsville

Take me back. 

To the couch, in that apartment.

To the time where u were on top of me, and the problems were weighed down.

When I couldn’t feel the disappointment cause there you were.

Your hair all over my face, I couldn’t breathe, but i didn’t wanna move away.

Your hand on mine, your legs on mine, you outlined my body with yours, as much as you could. 

You kissed me.

Cause there I was safe, your phone wasn’t with you, there I had you, all to myself.

The problems, they didn’t exist anymore, as you melted into my skin and bones, you pressed harder, and bent my bones.

“Give me another 5 minutes” I said. You obliged, many times.

I brokedown, it was too damn pretty to be that ugly.

I ignored it, and breathe you in, one last time, knowing after that, things will change forever.

That couch.