When I was inconvenientĀ 

As I lay dazed.

Hospitals beds look comfortable, but rarely are.

Tubes run through my veins, stiffening it, the other hand full of puncture wounds.

They steal my blood, like thieves, but I don’t stop them.

They check my pulse then they drown me in some liquid antibiotics.

Why is it so strong? I’m nauseous, my phone goes off, it turns me off, I can’t even look at it, I don’t wanna puke.

I can’t eat the plastic hospital food, I can’t eat. It tastes like death. I’m weakening. I don’t wanna puke.

I eat a little, progress, I don’t wanna puke. It would be waste. 

My phone rings, I answer, I wanna puke, I turn it off, I control it, I distract myself, I try not to puke.

I puke. 

I can’t do anything, I can’t move, I don’t wanna puke again.

I’m alone. I miss you. 

“It’s inconvenient to see you everyday” she rips through my heart.

Why do they let you down when ur at your weakest.

I hallucinate, must be the drugs again.

My phone goes off, maybe it’s her, I wish I could gather enough strength to call her. I don’t wanna puke.

I’m in some Soprano dream sequence, finally I get those dream sequences. The drugs make you someone else. They take you places, colourful places.

I miss you.

I’m an inconvenience.

I miss you, I could do with a pick me up, I could do with you holding my hand, reminding me this is temporary, everyone falls, everyone falls, then they get back up.

I wish I had you there.

I was an inconvenience.

As I lay in bed, drugs keeping me prisoner, I was just an inconvenience.


The boy’s breeze

6 years. Time passes too fast these days. I’ve missed you Daniel, and coming back to Kuantan, and passing by familiar scenes and talking to familiar people, reminds me more about you, and all you had left behind.

We washed your stone. Kakak, your mom, and me, we wiped and washed your name, book and your two angels. We placed roses at your feet. We shared silence that spoke volumes.

Tonight I past Beserah. It’s exactly like it was when we were kids, nothing much has changed. It reminded me of car rides that were unplanned and the torturous times I insisted we take morning rides to the beach when all you guys wanted to do was sleep in.

I remember the wind, the sea wind. It was usually followed by us jumping in to battle Kuantan waves. I miss it. The spontaneity.

Today it as extra breezy at Berserah. I know that was you. Maybe you were happy we were there for you, or maybe you just remembered how much the sea, sand and wind meant to me.

It was the kind of wind that erased memories of the recent heatwave, it was the kind that made you wanna sit on the sand, sing songs and star gaze. The kind of night fantasies used to be made of, where the future seemed so promising. I didn’t want the night to end.

6 years is too long but it instead feels like 6 weeks. Life goes on, remember, and we poured out liquor for you, and we mourned you, I guessed you wondered “how long will they mourn me” and you got your answer, this doesn’t end.

I want to believe in what they say, in what they promise and how they say we will all be reunited. I want to believe, let’s just say tonight’s breeze, went a long way.



Take me back. 

To the couch, in that apartment.

To the time where u were on top of me, and the problems were weighed down.

When I couldn’t feel the disappointment cause there you were.

Your hair all over my face, I couldn’t breathe, but i didn’t wanna move away.

Your hand on mine, your legs on mine, you outlined my body with yours, as much as you could. 

You kissed me.

Cause there I was safe, your phone wasn’t with you, there I had you, all to myself.

The problems, they didn’t exist anymore, as you melted into my skin and bones, you pressed harder, and bent my bones.

“Give me another 5 minutes” I said. You obliged, many times.

I brokedown, it was too damn pretty to be that ugly.

I ignored it, and breathe you in, one last time, knowing after that, things will change forever.

That couch.


So she looked at him with frustration and wondered, “not again”.

She felt this way before, the opposite of sexy, the kind that wrenches your gut and fills it with unexplained anger. She deals with it her own way, the only way she knows how, she leaves.

He goes berserk.

“She left, they all do, eventually they all leave.

“How could she just leave ?” he asked himself knowing the answer, he was undeniably over reacting.

“She’s probably fucking someone else. Why else did she leave, her heart isn’t in this anymore.”

She walks it off, trying to clear her head, wondering what the hell were wrong with them.

She can’t help but thinks about her ex.

“He was never like this. He gave me space, he never made a deal over nothing, absolutely nothing” she thought, although feeling a tiny bit guilty she thought about it that way.

She types her ex’s name on her phone, his number comes up.


She smiles.

Keeping it Together

I’m just keeping it together, 

As my mind wander,

As the people circle the bend,

Seeking my undeniable end.

I’m holding it together,

As if it really mattered,

As if feelings of desire,

Could really inspire.

Inspire today,

Disappoint anyway,

It’s falling apart,

Starting from my heart.

I’m just keeping it together,

For now.

Cronulla Bar

I guess we are out of the woods, you at least,

I guess you showed me up, you left indeed.

Do you remember that time in the car, before a Merdekarya night,

Or the first kiss in front of your gate that night.

Do you remember the sandy tales or did another memory hide it?

Do you remember walking the dogs back home for them to turn back anyway?

You remember my cousins, don’t you,

It’s hard to ever forget them.

Remember when I said The Weeknd made awesome songs,

and soon enough you were singing to them?

Do you remember the couch, yeah the first time,

What about the past midnight, stealth moves, not waking anyone,

Do you remember my recent spontaneous decision?

The one to cost me, us, dearly,

I remember the first movie, I don’t think you do,

It was about a freak storm.

We were a freak storm, like an impending doom,

I remember protecting you, when you couldn’t protect yourself,

I remember caring from the depths of my soul, when you were just using my presence,

I make a good distraction don’t I,

I made you forget for just a little while,

I wiped your tears, and mended the holes in your soul,

At least I could do that,

Do you remember?

I do.


Wind on Heat


So the wind hit my face.
The weather was hot and the sudden breeze hit my face and immediately triggered memories.
It brought me back to when I was a kid, when I spent the majority of my time outdoors, playing sports, bracing the heat and appreciating the colder wind.
Back then I didn’t know any other fun other than being outside. Screens were not as important back then.
I ate my lunch in school, on a tree, alone, waiting for the time to meet my mates to play football or to join some kind of sports practice.
Those were little bits of solitude, which I should have known would shape the person I would grow up to be.
Heat was not a problem, now it is.
So today, for a moment, I was that little boy again.
And that made me smile.
Life was good as a kid.