The boy’s breeze

6 years. Time passes too fast these days. I’ve missed you Daniel, and coming back to Kuantan, and passing by familiar scenes and talking to familiar people, reminds me more about you, and all you had left behind.

We washed your stone. Kakak, your mom, and me, we wiped and washed your name, book and your two angels. We placed roses at your feet. We shared silence that spoke volumes.

Tonight I past Beserah. It’s exactly like it was when we were kids, nothing much has changed. It reminded me of car rides that were unplanned and the torturous times I insisted we take morning rides to the beach when all you guys wanted to do was sleep in.

I remember the wind, the sea wind. It was usually followed by us jumping in to battle Kuantan waves. I miss it. The spontaneity.

Today it as extra breezy at Berserah. I know that was you. Maybe you were happy we were there for you, or maybe you just remembered how much the sea, sand and wind meant to me.

It was the kind of wind that erased memories of the recent heatwave, it was the kind that made you wanna sit on the sand, sing songs and star gaze. The kind of night fantasies used to be made of, where the future seemed so promising. I didn’t want the night to end.

6 years is too long but it instead feels like 6 weeks. Life goes on, remember, and we poured out liquor for you, and we mourned you, I guessed you wondered “how long will they mourn me” and you got your answer, this doesn’t end.

I want to believe in what they say, in what they promise and how they say we will all be reunited. I want to believe, let’s just say tonight’s breeze, went a long way.

  

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Late night songs

It’s gonna be five years on the 28. I have so many reasons to hate that date but so many reasons not to. The date is just a number anyway.

Danny, I can’t believe it’s five years, and it feels like it was just yesterday that we were kids.

Remember that we had so little? Yet everything meant so much. I remember that broken down walkman that kept us awake when everyone one else went to sleep.

Rap. Who would have thought that a few cassettes over the Christmas holidays would turn into a lifetime passion?

Those tapes saved us didn’t it? I mean we put it on, we turned off the lights and we were no longer on that thin mattress, under that fan, we were transported to somewhere much cooler, somewhere worthwhile, somewhere magical and somewhere we belong.

When we put the songs on, your eyes sparkled, your smile drawn, laughter would soon follow, sometimes laughter that woke people up, because you had that loud laugh.

Those late night earphone sessions saved us. It saved us from mediocrity and a place we just didn’t deserve to be at.

And so sometimes at night, I put music on, as tribute to our time, tribute to us, tribute to you. You made my childhood mean so much more, and it hurts me everyday that you are gone.

People may not understand the late night music to sleep. They might not like it, but they will never stop it. That is ours.

So tonight, in your memory, I’ll meet you in some rhymes, in some beats and in some crazy vibin.

Peace out Danny boy, you are missed each day, everyday.

MM. 23.3.15

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Ready for the After-life

I’ve been in and out of consciousness,
I’ve been in and out of graciousness,
I’ve been on the bitter end of hate,
And the losing end of fate.

I recall the joy of sharing,
And the thrill of pairing.
I would tell you of music that help me through,
You say it helped you too.

I miss being in tune,
I miss being in control,
Somewhere I began chasing the devil’s tune,
Somehow I’ve misplaced myself.

Now I wait to face the next phase,
Now I play your game,
Now I count the less colorful days,
Until my end, unexpected end.

But I’ve seen the rain and the sunlight,
And I’ve danced in the glow,
I’ve felt the ray of love
And I wasn’t afraid of letting it show.

And I’ve seen the colors of rainbow,
And I’ve driven past your hue,
I’ve smelled the fresh and watery dew,
I’ve lived my life through and through.

End.
MM.

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Daniel, it has been five years

Daniel, you have been on my mind lately. 5 years on, I wonder how you would look like, what your hair style would be like, what music would be blaring from your headphones … I wonder if you would have had a partner by now … Would you be here or away again … Would you have made us smile and laugh .. Would we be screaming away to Hip Hop in my car or would you have a car of your own by now.

With death constantly surrounding me, I can’t help but going back to you. You will be the death that changed me forever, I can’t be sadder than I was when you were robbed from us.

Maybe it was because we both dreamed more than we lived. Maybe because your mom was like mom and my dad could have been yours. We were never competitive like that.

They robbin’ the good ones everyday, I’m tired of this shit. Please tell me there’s the end where we get to see you again and you get to tell us tales that I can’t comprehend right now.

Tell me of the oceans that don’t end, and the waterfalls that don’t stop, hills as beautiful as in my mind and life without limitations. Tell me there’s something better than this and that the best is yet to come. Tell me a life without bills, pills and cheap thrills.

The other day someone approached me near Central Market, someone who walks the streets. At first I was gonna ignore him because I had a hard day at work, but then he said something that made me think twice.
“Do you know Daniel?”

Of course I later found out that he was talking about some other person, but I couldn’t help reminiscing, since it was so close to the place that the horrible crime took place at. Every time I think about it …. The cruelty … What would possess someone of such barbarism?

Then I remember the call, the hospital, and you on that bed. It will always be real, in vivid color.

For now I’m still holding on to the possibility of seeing you again … Where we can be kids again and not know of the horrible world anymore.

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My Impending Death

I’ve seen my death. I know how it comes. I’ve seen the flashes.

Play this song at my funeral,
Let me know that I live eternal.
Play a rap song that I know,
Finish it off with “let it snow”,
Smile a bit when I go,
Laugh just some more.
I’ve known emotions like nothing you will ever know.
He let me feel the depths of human sorrow,
I’ll never want that other story,
I’ll never regret not achieving glory.
I’ve lived full.

I’ve broken hearts and I’ve broken mine,
I’ve stole lies and lived all nine,
I’ve seen death and over came it,
I’ve seen life and embraced it.

I’ve tasted more than I should have,
I’ve been delirious, alone and suave.
I was a mix of life.

Don’t cry when I die.
I lived life like you would never know.
Have that wine, drink that Hennessy,
Celebrate me, and let me go.