Distance

She adds color to my every page,

She sees me through distance,

When she engages,

In instances.

She adds music to my words,
She adds chirping to the birds,
She adds cool to water,
Her daddy’s daughter.

She functions through distance,
Hates my persistence,
Loves my resistance,
Confused at our coexistence.

She’s the stars to my galaxy,
Looking at that sky,
We looked at those planes, lazily,
In PD,  we reached that high.

Distance, she excels,
We evolve,
There will be no bells,
No problem to solve,
Just distance.

Suicidal Tendencies

I had previously hit out at you because you killed yourself. I now apologize. Suicide mocks god, but god had left this place a long time ago.

I would like to think there’s two kinds of suicide, long-term planned out ones and rash ones.
I don’t understand long-term planning but I do get the rash suicides.
Helplessness and hopelessness. The feeling that nothing will ever work out for you.

You in the company of your ex, someone you are trying to get over but still hadn’t even come close to. An ex you see and still feel like protecting and loving, maybe it’s that familiar voice or face or smile. The same ex that you watch slowly lose all connection and concern for you. Then you watch her getting hit on by a guy beside her, when you are two feet away from her.
That lump in your throat? Man that’s baby stuff, this is your heart plunging 30 floors. You can’t breathe, you are hysterical, your heart and brain in chaos. It’s like you are under attack from all angles. You can’t fight it, you are bound to do something stupid.
You talk to god, you demand help, you look up to the heavens, you ask why.

I reached the jumping point, drunk. I was never gonna do it cause all I could think of was the dog who needed me and the woman who raised me. I just needed help not doing something else that was reckless, and that’s when I saw them.
A group of them. They wore torn jeans and stained t-shirts. They each carried a plastic bag full of brown glue which they kept sniffing from. They were obviously not gonna think rationally.

I didn’t wanna do it cause of her. I wanted to end it cause of me. Too many mistakes, too many times, never protecting myself. Not enough answers, not enough will anymore.

Remember Million Dollar Baby?, “Always protect yourself”.

So after sometime of observing them, which I do cause I’m curious, in the drunken state I was in, I leave, cause I knew they notice me in a very vulnerable state.

People told me “you hit rock bottom and you rebuild yourself to a point you had never surpassed before.” I hope this is it for me. I have never reached this point in my life before and I will never forget last night, as brief as it was. And I had to meet you to ensure I hit rock bottom, it connects the dots.

I get rash suicide. I finally get it. And I think I get why people let themselves feel so low, lower than low. I also get why they push away people that could lead them to great heights in life. It’s a complex reason, not too complex compared to the complexity of a human heart and mind.

I’m sorry I hit out at you. I know now, why you took your life. You deserved a restart. Wish u had someone to confide in.

Smile again

All I see is nervous gestures,

What ever happen to the childlike laughter?

The kind where your eyes lit up wide,

More uncontrollable movement to hide.

 

All I see is nail-biting,

What ever happened to sea surfing?

And wave crashing,

Dares that led to risky jumping.

 

All I see is anxiety,

And it will be the end of me.

It’s weighing me down,

Its making me wanna leave town,

City and Country.

It’s like a calling indefinitely.

 

Now it’s complains,

Now it’s refrains,

You judge wrong,

And the grudges u have throng,

I’m all mistake.

I’m not great.

I shall never be respected,

I shall never be appreciated.

 

Can I go back to normality?

Can I go back to familiarity?

Just wanna smile again.

Just wanna live without pain.

Just wanna smile and grin, again.

When it fizzles out

At which point do you realize that it had been broken way past resuscitation points? A wound that never heals and pain that just does not leave.

I gave her my all.

Not because I had to, she never demanded it from me, well not at the beginning. She never begged for the Milky Way but she did occasionally express desire for it. Why I gave my all? Because I honestly thought she deserved it.

What is “you’re all” as the iconic phrase seems to have lost in meaning during recent times. Back in the day you often hear of memorable stories of desire, love, lust and friendship. Has it all lost its way through the tired hectic life of smoke, sun, petrol and led screens? Are we too connected into a world that we have forgotten the essence of what being human is, loving and being loved.

I loved.

I drove, I paid, I endured, I cried, I laughed, I met family, I met friends, I travelled, I cooked, I ate with you, I slept late, I woke up early, I slammed my hands on the table, I beat my chest, I saw, I witnessed, I endured lies, I endured deliberate attempts to brake my spirit, I endured pain, mental pain, physical pain, emotional pain, I endured abandonment, through the crazy, the mean and the absolute madness, I endured.

I smelled you, I moved your hair from your eyes, lifted you, held your neck, your hips, your waist, traced your backbone, lifted you up, put you down, we were crazy, we were passionate, it was hot, it left us breathless, drained, satisfied and fulfilled.

For what?

For one and the half years. For the memories. For the love that was never there. For the hope of love. For the desire of being loved. For the dreams of what love could build. For the children I never had.

And then it’s gone, utterly just left me behind.

Yes it wasn’t perfect at all. But I’ll miss you. I can’t help that we are immature enough to realize that we found something quite amazing but chose to let ego come in between us.

And when it comes to the point where you choose to turn me down for comfort and ease, then we had lost all the above, the full circle, dynamics of this thing called “love”.

Or was it love, maybe it was just curiosity.

Who knows these answers?