She’s a Woman to Me

It’s the way she smells,

like fresh flowers, like soapy bubbles on a green garden,

like sweet strawberries.

It’s her eyes,

how they sparkle, how they allow me access to everything else,

how they me a story.

It’s the hair,

how it covers my face, and smells like a bouquet,

how I long to pull it,

hard enough that her neck bends.

It’s how she’s a woman to me,

 

She’s soft,

she whispers in my ear,

she licks my neck,

she giggles,

It is how she holds my hand, like she is never going to see me again,

It is how she wants me.

 

She wants me, more than anything else,

she buries me in significance,

so deep I can’t find my way out,

I don’t want to find my way out.

It is how I feel wanted by her,

it is how she’s a woman with me,

gentle,

attentive.

 

This is the idea of her,

She’s way more,

She’s scarily way more,

She’s fading.

 

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Trip

I’m staring at a different pair of eyes, tonight,

she comes with a different grip,

she’s a different trip,

she’s a journey, yet to unfold,

always a sight to behold.

 

Another night, another trip,

this one is my chocolate chip,

she’s a little spark,

she thinks shes just another check mark,

her emotions rip,

as she begins to strip,

I do not know why she wants less,

as if she didn’t deserve happiness.

 

Another night, another trip,

this one thinks shes curing me,

she does it with a big glee,

she doesn’t know she’s boring me,

how bad I wanna flee,

she buys me another gift,

it just gets me miffed,

she wants to cure me of real-timeness,

well your royal highness,

its unchangeable like your untimeliness.

 

Another night, another trip,

this is where I slipped,

she thinks she has me wrapped around her finger,

and i kinda let that shit linger,

I expressed loyalty and love,

you know that sort of shit from up above,

I lied to her and myself,

as her heart lied there in an ice shelf,

I quickly learned she was not for the taking.

 

Another night, another trip,

she’s from my past,

she went away way too fast,

she’s a case of emotions taking over,

and running away, cause I drove her,

now she’s back for some,

returning plum.

 

 

 

 

Ex

So she looked at him with frustration and wondered, “not again”.

She felt this way before, the opposite of sexy, the kind that wrenches your gut and fills it with unexplained anger. She deals with it her own way, the only way she knows how, she leaves.

He goes berserk.

“She left, they all do, eventually they all leave.

“How could she just leave ?” he asked himself knowing the answer, he was undeniably over reacting.

“She’s probably fucking someone else. Why else did she leave, her heart isn’t in this anymore.”

She walks it off, trying to clear her head, wondering what the hell were wrong with them.

She can’t help but thinks about her ex.

“He was never like this. He gave me space, he never made a deal over nothing, absolutely nothing” she thought, although feeling a tiny bit guilty she thought about it that way.

She types her ex’s name on her phone, his number comes up.

Karl.

She smiles.

Golden Dance

I saw a scene on a television series that reminded me of something. Something I’ve missed and I’ve longed for.

I look at you and you know what’s coming. I have that look on my face, that mood, with such clear intentions. The eye contact that ’burned’ through the room.

The lights are yellow, it’s dim and soft. It makes you glow a little golden.

There’s this song that I put on. It is jazz-type soft singing, and it just puts this moment at ease.

You look alluring, like how you do. You have an inviting smile.

As I approach you, I get this magnetic feeling. The feeling that you want and feel the exact same way as me.

I have a glimpse of a smirk. I am shy in nature.

As I finally get to you, your embrace is welcoming, warm and feels like home.

I move closer, like an almost hug, and my hands move you into position for a slow slow dance.

I can feel your heartbeat. It isn’t racing because you have things in control. I feel your breath on my neck, and your hair on my face. I feel like I’m melting right into you.

The dancing is effortless. Just random movements that both our inexperienced feet muster, often taking cues from each other.

I look at your face, and I know I’m loved, wanted and liked. It’s the most reassuring look I could ever get. Makes me want to hide with you forever.

It doesn’t matter what happens next. That moment of randomness fills me up with so much happiness. Just the thought that someone else who loved having me around, loved the thought of me and sharing the moment with me, it fills me up.

One scene led to this elaborate moment in my head, now I realized why I’ve missed most of what I’ve seen.

“Dancing is the loftiest, the most moving, the most beautiful of the arts, because it is no mere translation or abstraction from life; it is life itself.”
Havelock Ellis

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Suicidal Tendencies

I had previously hit out at you because you killed yourself. I now apologize. Suicide mocks god, but god had left this place a long time ago.

I would like to think there’s two kinds of suicide, long-term planned out ones and rash ones.
I don’t understand long-term planning but I do get the rash suicides.
Helplessness and hopelessness. The feeling that nothing will ever work out for you.

You in the company of your ex, someone you are trying to get over but still hadn’t even come close to. An ex you see and still feel like protecting and loving, maybe it’s that familiar voice or face or smile. The same ex that you watch slowly lose all connection and concern for you. Then you watch her getting hit on by a guy beside her, when you are two feet away from her.
That lump in your throat? Man that’s baby stuff, this is your heart plunging 30 floors. You can’t breathe, you are hysterical, your heart and brain in chaos. It’s like you are under attack from all angles. You can’t fight it, you are bound to do something stupid.
You talk to god, you demand help, you look up to the heavens, you ask why.

I reached the jumping point, drunk. I was never gonna do it cause all I could think of was the dog who needed me and the woman who raised me. I just needed help not doing something else that was reckless, and that’s when I saw them.
A group of them. They wore torn jeans and stained t-shirts. They each carried a plastic bag full of brown glue which they kept sniffing from. They were obviously not gonna think rationally.

I didn’t wanna do it cause of her. I wanted to end it cause of me. Too many mistakes, too many times, never protecting myself. Not enough answers, not enough will anymore.

Remember Million Dollar Baby?, “Always protect yourself”.

So after sometime of observing them, which I do cause I’m curious, in the drunken state I was in, I leave, cause I knew they notice me in a very vulnerable state.

People told me “you hit rock bottom and you rebuild yourself to a point you had never surpassed before.” I hope this is it for me. I have never reached this point in my life before and I will never forget last night, as brief as it was. And I had to meet you to ensure I hit rock bottom, it connects the dots.

I get rash suicide. I finally get it. And I think I get why people let themselves feel so low, lower than low. I also get why they push away people that could lead them to great heights in life. It’s a complex reason, not too complex compared to the complexity of a human heart and mind.

I’m sorry I hit out at you. I know now, why you took your life. You deserved a restart. Wish u had someone to confide in.

Smile again

All I see is nervous gestures,

What ever happen to the childlike laughter?

The kind where your eyes lit up wide,

More uncontrollable movement to hide.

 

All I see is nail-biting,

What ever happened to sea surfing?

And wave crashing,

Dares that led to risky jumping.

 

All I see is anxiety,

And it will be the end of me.

It’s weighing me down,

Its making me wanna leave town,

City and Country.

It’s like a calling indefinitely.

 

Now it’s complains,

Now it’s refrains,

You judge wrong,

And the grudges u have throng,

I’m all mistake.

I’m not great.

I shall never be respected,

I shall never be appreciated.

 

Can I go back to normality?

Can I go back to familiarity?

Just wanna smile again.

Just wanna live without pain.

Just wanna smile and grin, again.

My 1st Verse

It’s like being contained in a rough metal cage,
Head vein-popping rage,
Its dark, it hurts and it smells,
In my ear – needles and bells,
Release me from this abyss,
I cry “There’s more to life than this”,
I’m used to “Hit and Miss”
I’m a misfit, to say the least,
The least said, Is where I’m at,
Ur face is on my bat,
Pole dancing, auditions are on,
Light glow, bright and neon,
Fire all around like the Kings of Leon,
Turning your face away, cause you can’t turn me on,
The hit and miss, cease to exist,
You resist, I turn away condemned to be whist.
Don’t pretend to be meek,
You keep playing hide and seek,
I’m over it.